You all, I have to say, putting something out into the world that was politically-themed felt pretty great. It’s been years, literally years, maybe more years than when I last posted regularly to this blog, that I last willingly brought up politics outside of a very small group of people. And the problem is that, as I said before, I love politics! I think for many there is both the fear of putting yourself out there and of hearing things from the people you love that will make you think about them differently.
I hear a lot of these types of sentiments:
- I don’t even want to know what he would say about that.
- Oh we just don’t talk politics. That’s how we stay friends.
- I mute all of her posts online, otherwise I’d get too angry.
- I would NEVER bring up politics with them. They’d never speak to me again.
I’ve been there, and I understand the sentiment. However, I think by avoiding the conversation we’re allowing ourselves to become both further apart and also less able to bridge the divide.
We need to have spaces to practice the skills and frameworks necessary to have these conversations. We can’t be skilled at something that we rarely do and never practice. My attempts at oil painting will attest to that.
My immediate family has always been one of these practice spaces for me. These are the people who thought I was cute when I had bangs to rival a member of any 80’s hair band. They’re the people who’ve seen me at my lowest-low of Momming and offered help not judgment. Here’s what a life-time of shared experiences has led to:
- I know that they are good people.
- They know I’m a good person. (With questionable fashion sense.)
Because we’re starting from this place, it’s easier to have vastly different opinions and still love and respect each other. I know that when one of them doesn’t agree with my preferred taxation model, it doesn’t mean that they necessarily disagree with my core values. I know that if we disagree it’s not because they hate my way of thinking or who I am as a person, it’s because they have different priorities or different ways of looking at a problem and coming up with solutions. We enter on a ground of mutual respect. Maybe even more important than that, we actually like each other.
The current dichotomy, outside of these safe spaces, seems to be:
- You agree with me or you’re a bad person.
- Or alternately, you agree with me or you’re ignorant.
- Or both: you agree with me or you’re an ignorant bad person.
I reject this premise, and I think that outside of computer screens most others do as well. Aside from the fact that if you approach a topic with this dichotomous way of thinking there is literally no room for actual change, this paradigm also assumes that if you’re the “you” in the above statements, then you’re both perfectly good and all-knowing 100% of the time. And that is impossible.
Not only is this an extremely ineffective way to engage with people who think differently, it also leaves you in a position where you can never be wrong, ask questions, or change your mind.
So rather than trying to change someone’s mind, I’m trying to simply learn to listen. To ask questions about the how and why of someone’s thinking, rather than try to counter with my own claims or state my disagreement.
Sometimes this might lead to a change in my own thoughts, actions, or views, and other times it might just open my eyes to another way of viewing a problem. How odd is it to think that our opinions, ideals, beliefs, or views shouldn’t change or evolve?
If I held fastidiously to the same ideals that I held as an 8 year old, I’d be arguing that we should all be unpaid magicians who live in animal sanctuaries and only wear leggings with scissor-cut heel straps, because that would clearly make all of us happiest and be best for the world. Why would it make any more sense to cling unquestioningly to the views I established 8 years after that, or 8 years after that… you get the idea.
We learn more, we experience more, and hopefully this allows us to create a different picture of who we are as people and what we believe of the world. But our opinions, thoughts, and beliefs will never change because someone is yelling their opposing opinion at us. And we won’t influence change, thought, or action by simply re-sharing the same message with the same people who already think the same thing that we think.
Sometimes change isn’t the goal. The goal is simply to understand. And we can’t do that if we’re never in a position to listen.
I’m working on putting together spaces to listen, and share. Would love to hear from you if you’re interested.
Also– huge thanks to everyone who has reached out via social media, this blog, text, or call. It’s lovely to hear from you all!
Judah Anthony 